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I know that it is not easy to read or talk about mental illness. I understand how it makes you feel all squirmy and uncomfortable inside and anything you say seems wrong. You sometimes even become afraid of the person before they do anything at all. I know this because that was me seven years ago. But now this is me - the same me but with a new vision and comprehension. This journey has changed me in so many ways and will continue to do so for quite a while. I have found many of the flaws, or disastrous potholes, in the current mental health system and I have coped with those who work with us but have no respect for us. Yet I can also say that I have been blessed by this experience, because I can now relate to those who are struggling. I can truly mean it when I say I understand. And I can use my little voice from nowhere to shout as loudly as I can the truth about mental illness. If I can stir one blade of grass then it will have been worth the journey.
After leaving the first mental health facility, I immediately had to stop taking two of my important medications due to Medicare refusing to pay for them. I have a whole speech on the government deciding what medication you can take instead of doctors but I will leave that for another day. Anyway, the loss of these two medicines caused me to fall. So I went to the local hospital that has a mental health floor. That was a disaster I will write about all on its own, but they changed every medication that we had worked 30 days to get balanced and then sent me home. I started a partial inpatient program at a private psychiatric hospital about 45 minutes away (the provide transportation which is how I can attend) but after starting on Friday and attending on Monday I ended up back in the emergency room with severe symptoms. This time I knew to ask for help even as I was trying to reach for the pill bottles. The local hospital wanted another turn with me since I was a resident of the county and they had a bed available but I refused to go to that unit. It took a court mandate, and the declaration of the manager of the unit for me to be able to return to the original hospital. I just got out after spending 9 days there starting all new medications. I was feeling so good yesterday about coming home, until just before the van came and I realized that my social worker had not followed through on providing my medications and I had prescriptions but no money to fill them. I ended up in tears of total anger (I hate that I cry when I am mad, it just makes me madder) and even admittedly crossed the line with my language. So I am home with no new meds, trying to wing it with the ones I received from the other two programs and praying that it is a good sign that she had them filled somewhere and will find a way for me to get them. I am so happy to be home, and will be restarting the partial inpatient program on Thursday since Monday is a holiday and I have to get a ride there on the first day.
I am so ready for this to just stabilize and to return to my normal life. My greatest fear in life has always been to lose control of my own mind, and this does that to me. It robs me of my total control and it makes me feel weak when I know I am strong. It tells me that I am not worthy of love when I know that loving is one of the things I do best. It steals from me the joy of a good day out of fear of how long it will last even though I know that life is in this moment. I want to just go back to being me again - well, me with the new insight and changes.
This, this is mental illness broken down to black on white, to a single story, to a timeline of a life, to a solitary experience. This is me - a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a teacher (well, former), a writer, a photographer, a dreamer, a world changer, a survivor, and an individual with mental illness.
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Friday, May 27, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Just the Facts
Before I continued I wanted to post some facts on mental illness that I found online to help support education and acceptance.
* MYTH: Mental Health does not affect me
FACTS (from 2014): 1 in 5 adults experience a mental health illness in their lifetime
1 in 10 young people experienced a period of major depression
1 in 25 Americans live with a serious mental illness
Suicide is the tenth most common cause of death.
MYTH: Children do not experience mental health issues.
FACTS: Even very young children can show early warning signs of mental illness
Half of all mental illnesses show first signs before the age of 14
Three Quarters of mental disorders begin before age 24
MYTH: People with Mental Health problems are violent and unpredictable
FACTS: Only 3-5% of violent crimes can be linked to someone with a serious mental illness
People with serious mental health issues are 10x more likely to be a victim of violent crime than thee common population
MYTH: People with mental health illnesses, even whe receiving proper treatment, cannot handle the stress of a job.
FACTS: Employers who hire people with mental health issues report good punctuality, attendance, motivation, good work, and job tenure equal to or greater than their neurotypical peers
.
MYTH: Personality weakness or personality flaws cause mental illness. A person with a mental illness can just snap out of it if they try.
FACTS: Many factors contribute to mental health including
Biological factors (genes, injuries, illness, etc)
Life Experience (Like a history of trauma or abuse)
Family history of mental health problems
People with mental health issues can get better and even recover completely
MYTH: There is no hope for people with mental health issues and they will never recover
FACTS: Studies show that people with mental health issues get better and many recover.
MYTH: Therapy and self help are a waste of time. Just take medicine.
FACTS: The individual treatment plan for someone with a mental health illness may include medication, therapy or both.
MYTH: I can't do something for a person with a mental health need.
FACTS: Only 44% of adults and 20% of youth with diagnosable mental heath issues receive the treatment they need. In this case, a good support system can be vital.
MYTH: Prevention does not help. It is impossible to prevent a mental illness.
FACTS: By promoting the social-emotional well being of youth outcomes include
Higher overall productivity
Better educational outcomes
Lower crime rate
Improved quality of life
US Department of Health and Human Services, Mental Health.gov
* MYTH: Mental Health does not affect me
FACTS (from 2014): 1 in 5 adults experience a mental health illness in their lifetime
1 in 10 young people experienced a period of major depression
1 in 25 Americans live with a serious mental illness
Suicide is the tenth most common cause of death.
MYTH: Children do not experience mental health issues.
FACTS: Even very young children can show early warning signs of mental illness
Half of all mental illnesses show first signs before the age of 14
Three Quarters of mental disorders begin before age 24
MYTH: People with Mental Health problems are violent and unpredictable
FACTS: Only 3-5% of violent crimes can be linked to someone with a serious mental illness
People with serious mental health issues are 10x more likely to be a victim of violent crime than thee common population
MYTH: People with mental health illnesses, even whe receiving proper treatment, cannot handle the stress of a job.
FACTS: Employers who hire people with mental health issues report good punctuality, attendance, motivation, good work, and job tenure equal to or greater than their neurotypical peers
.
MYTH: Personality weakness or personality flaws cause mental illness. A person with a mental illness can just snap out of it if they try.
FACTS: Many factors contribute to mental health including
Biological factors (genes, injuries, illness, etc)
Life Experience (Like a history of trauma or abuse)
Family history of mental health problems
People with mental health issues can get better and even recover completely
MYTH: There is no hope for people with mental health issues and they will never recover
FACTS: Studies show that people with mental health issues get better and many recover.
MYTH: Therapy and self help are a waste of time. Just take medicine.
FACTS: The individual treatment plan for someone with a mental health illness may include medication, therapy or both.
MYTH: I can't do something for a person with a mental health need.
FACTS: Only 44% of adults and 20% of youth with diagnosable mental heath issues receive the treatment they need. In this case, a good support system can be vital.
MYTH: Prevention does not help. It is impossible to prevent a mental illness.
FACTS: By promoting the social-emotional well being of youth outcomes include
Higher overall productivity
Better educational outcomes
Lower crime rate
Improved quality of life
US Department of Health and Human Services, Mental Health.gov
Friday, April 29, 2016
Simon says
I always knew that this would be a journal of the different perspectives of life that I experience. It is my view of the world through experiences others may never have. My perspective on something major has changed and I will be sharing about this journey for a while, but let me start at the beginning.
I ignored the warning signs that I was depressed. I justified them. I ignored them. Obviously this is not the best response to take. At the time I was overwhelmed with the many health issues in my life and the fear that it will just continue to decline. We were also facing eviction from our apartment and had searched literally every resource we could. I began to think that Mom's life would be easier without me, that no one would notice or care, and that I could escape the pain. There was a voice in my head telling me I needed to die, that I was worthless, that no one loved me. So impulsively one night I took a bottle of coumadin, a blood thinner used in rat poisons. I then panicked and told Mom what I had done. I stayed in the hospital as a medical patient for 5 days but received no psychological treatment because they felt it was a one time illness. When I got home I began to research which of my medications would be more effective yet not painful. The same voice was almost constantly present telling me how worthless I was and how suicide was the only answer. Almost 2 weeks later to the day I attempted suicide again by taking a bottle of my cardiac medicine. I tried to hide it from Mom but one thing I cannot do is lie to her. I ended up spending all night in the emergency room as they monitored my blood pressure and heart rate. A whole bottle and neither level ever moved. God protected me for some reason. That afternoon they finally found an open bed in a psychiatric hospital, as the need is greater than the supply, and I was transferred to Detroit. I ended up spending a month there in treatment, mostly adjusting medications as we had to go slowly and carefully with my medical issues. I was diagnosed as Bipolar I with psychosis and Anxiety Disorder. I am now on 8 different medications to control everything.
This has been my worst nightmare. I could always handle whatever my body did but to have it interfere with my brain was something I could not imagine. I feel like my brain is floating in chemicals making it harder to think clearly and communicate what I want to say.
I will be writing more about my experiences from the other patients (Names changed for privacy) to medical staff to what I have learned. All I ask is that you please do not judge me as my diagnosis. I am still the same person I was before this happened and I am the same now, a little quieter but also a little wiser.
I ignored the warning signs that I was depressed. I justified them. I ignored them. Obviously this is not the best response to take. At the time I was overwhelmed with the many health issues in my life and the fear that it will just continue to decline. We were also facing eviction from our apartment and had searched literally every resource we could. I began to think that Mom's life would be easier without me, that no one would notice or care, and that I could escape the pain. There was a voice in my head telling me I needed to die, that I was worthless, that no one loved me. So impulsively one night I took a bottle of coumadin, a blood thinner used in rat poisons. I then panicked and told Mom what I had done. I stayed in the hospital as a medical patient for 5 days but received no psychological treatment because they felt it was a one time illness. When I got home I began to research which of my medications would be more effective yet not painful. The same voice was almost constantly present telling me how worthless I was and how suicide was the only answer. Almost 2 weeks later to the day I attempted suicide again by taking a bottle of my cardiac medicine. I tried to hide it from Mom but one thing I cannot do is lie to her. I ended up spending all night in the emergency room as they monitored my blood pressure and heart rate. A whole bottle and neither level ever moved. God protected me for some reason. That afternoon they finally found an open bed in a psychiatric hospital, as the need is greater than the supply, and I was transferred to Detroit. I ended up spending a month there in treatment, mostly adjusting medications as we had to go slowly and carefully with my medical issues. I was diagnosed as Bipolar I with psychosis and Anxiety Disorder. I am now on 8 different medications to control everything.
This has been my worst nightmare. I could always handle whatever my body did but to have it interfere with my brain was something I could not imagine. I feel like my brain is floating in chemicals making it harder to think clearly and communicate what I want to say.
I will be writing more about my experiences from the other patients (Names changed for privacy) to medical staff to what I have learned. All I ask is that you please do not judge me as my diagnosis. I am still the same person I was before this happened and I am the same now, a little quieter but also a little wiser.
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